Excuse, excuses, and more excuses

        Wow, what an intense last couple of months!  I am taking a moment while Billy is out with the kids to make up excuses for me not writing- at least for the last little bit. After spending my last 12 hours praying to the porcelain god, I am finally managing to keep something down, so we will see how this goes! December started out marathon of sickness like this family has never seen!  Actually, come to think of it, it didn't start with sickness.  It all started with an ER visit.
       Every once in a while I work at Costco selling religious art.  I just work the roadshows and it has been a good thing.  Except this time I was asked to work all the way in West Jordan- really?  But they were asking me to fill in so I thought I would help out and took the shift.  I was almost there after nearly an hour in the car and I get a phone call from Billy "I don't want you to worry, but I wanted you to know that the Ava Cam and Bennett are at the neighbors and I am taking Pierce into the ER."  Oh yeah, I totally wont worry.  Actually I was a mess the rest of the night because someone FORGOT to take their phone into the hospital with them!  It wasn't as bad as it sounds though.  Pierce was climbing on a sofa table and the whole thing toppled over.  The table was scarred, the Christus was broken, and my poor baby ended up with several stitch.  I hope someday he will rock that scare because it is square in the middle of his face, right between his eyes!  But the next morning he was acting completely normal like nothing ever happened.  Mom, on the other hand just wanted to hold her baby!
        Later that week.... I had been asked to work all the way down in Springville the Thursday before Christmas and so I left the kids in capable hands (billy was off for Christmas break) and I took off to work a 10 hour shift!  On the way there, I felt fine.  About half way through the day I wasn't feeling great, and then an hour or two before hand I didn't know if I was going to make it!  So I missed the family Christmas party and barely got home.  Strep.  First me, then the rest of the family.  We finally figured out what it was Christmas morning and so we took everyone (all of us) in the day after.  6 co-pays, strep tests, and prescriptions for antibiotics later we headed home.  It took a bit for everyone to start feeling better.  But before we all better, we took turns with the flu.  There were lots of nights up with puking kids- and it lasted FOREVER.
      Billy got it the worst and it actually resulted in another trip to the instacare for him and some lung x-rays.  But we all eventually managed to work our way past it.  Then Pierson got another ear infection.  Augmentin this time because he has just finished up a round of amoxacilin a week or two before.
    So thats it, right?  Nope.  This was followed up the weekend before last with a surprise trip to the Instacre last minute.  This time it was Bennett with an ear infection.  Then this weekend it was followed by 5 of the 6 of us throwing up some more.  This time it came fast and furious, only lasts 12-24 hours but it hits you hard!  So I was the last to get sick and I am recovering.  I really hope we are done this time!  All of this has added up to more than $1,000 in unexpected medical bills.  But I suppose thats the only way medical bills come.
  So hows that for an excuse?

Time

I turned 27 just two days ago.  27?  I remember my mom at 27!  I was having a hard time memorizing my times tables; 9x3=moms age.  Am I really that "old" person?  I guess so.  I discovered the grey hairs this year.  I guess my highlights had disguised more than a couple hairs till I decided to be a brunette again.  My kids are getting older too.  Growing up so fast.  I've asked a couple of them to stop, but my idea was quickly rejected.  Cameron turns 5 in a couple days, and my baby will be 2 less then two weeks later!  Im trying to come to grips with really not having a "baby" in the house anymore, not sure just how well I am doing at that either.  But I guess this is just life, you get old and your kids grow up.  All too fast.  Way too fast.

The cake!

So the cake was one of my favorite projects!  It was so much fun because Emily and Stephanie worked together and made most of the gum paste flowers, Emily made all the ruffles and I placed them on the cake.  It was fun because Ansley gave me full reign and I got to design it!  I have my "inspiration picture" here:  http://www.weddingbells.ca/blogs/planning/2012/05/07/20-new-takes-on-classic-cake-designs-2/attachment/60e_img_2194-121/#

And with that cake in mind, this is what I ended up creating:

The Ruffles are fondant, the flowers are gumpaste, and the  rest is butter cream.  There was about 15lbs. of buttercream on that cake and it was a lot easier because my mother bought all of the icing and I didn't have to make it!  So the time to decorate the cake was cut in half.  Looking at these pictures kinda bug, because all of the imperfections are very clear and stand out. However, it was a beautiful cake!

The cake topper was just random silk flowers my mom brought from CA and some that I had around my house, it took about 15 minutes to throw it together.

I have had several people ask me how i get the buttercream to look as smooth as fondant.  Here is the answer: http://cakecentral.com/tutorial/perfectly-smooth-buttercream-icing

It is an awesome tutorial on the paper towel method, and it works!  Try it out on your next creation and tell me it doesnt work.  I dare you!

The summer...

Typically I post pictures of all summer long, but I dont have any!  Why?  Billy was working, I worked here and there, and I spent the majority of my summer planning a wedding reception for my sister (ok, ok, technically it was only "officially" about 3 weeks, but we knew it was coming a couple weeks before that so I started planning early).  But my own little family didn't do anything- no trips to the zoo, aquarium, road trips/vacations, camping trips, hiking, nada.  So....  what to do?  I guess I'll try to make up for it.  My oldest turns 6 this friday and on tues she starts first grade!  So now my house is trashed, i haven't prepared for fall, and there is a little overwhelm in my life.  I was hoping that my basement would be finished by now- alas!  Anyway... the wedding reception took place on Friday and it was sooo much fun and absolutely fabulous!

And this is just a small reason it was worth it! Me and my sisters.

Explorations, experiments, and art projects

      
   
     During in church last week I looked behind me, and there they were; the perfect little family of eight.  Mom (Leslie Bess), dad, and six perfectly polished and well behaved children ages 12-2.  Then I looked at my family.  The two year old was drinking his sippy on the floor under our bench, the five year old coloring like a mad woman, the three year old with only one shoe and his tie off doing a little dance in his seat "I love goldfish, I love goldfish, I love goldfish."  Then there was my husband holding the wiggly baby that had just been trying to escape down the isle.  I looked at him and he looked at me.  I don't know exactly what was going through his head "what did we get ourselves into?!?" or "Save me, please, save me" but it wasn't the same look as the Bess parents sitting behind us as they listened quietly to the person speaking at the pulpit.
     I reflected on my week at I tried to calm the now crying two year old.  I bet Leslie didn't have to comfort her boys on friday because the morons decided that they would use their new sled to ride down the stairs (that aren't even straight!) and inevitably crashed into a wall and tumbled down the rest.
       Is it nature? Is it nurture?  Okay, so I know I don't have a quiet house.  There is a trampoline in my basement and I have allowed to my three year old to hit balls with his bat in the living room because it was too cold to play outside.  So maybe I'm not doing my job as a mother and my nurturing is all off!  But I swear they came this way, all four of my children were sitting up at three months, crawling between five and six months, and walking between seven and nine months.  I just have children that are excited about life! learners! explorers! adventurous!.... and total hellians.
     Now don't get me wrong, they absolutely love each other.  They are sweet and caring children.  There is not violence in our home, just lots and lots of action.  They play nicely, and can even play quietly.  However, it is usually in the quiet times I begin to worry "what are they doing now?!?" To give you a little taste of being a mother to four active children ages five and under, I composed a list.  I am sure I missed things, but basically one day I sat down and decided to write down all of their escapades (that I could recall) during the previous two weeks.  This list is by no means inclusive. Here we go:

1. Drew with pen on the leather interior of my van
2. Permanent marker on jeans and doors
3. Took off a poopy diaper and sat on carpet, then my couch- poop everywhere!
4. Uncooked oats dumped and thrown all over kitchen
5. Red crayon on my microfiber sofa
6. Broke my eyeglasses
7. Broke my ironing board
8. "Book bowling" with my decor from the bookshelf
9. Dumped OJ on playroom carpet
10. Threw rocks at my van
11. Dumped water from kitchen sink to the floor in cupfuls
12. Dumped water from the bathtub onto floor by cupfuls
13. Ruined electronic by "bathing" them
14. Burned holes in the living room carpet with the blow dryer
15. Pulled the handrail loose from the wall by tying belts around it and hanging (trying to make a ride?!?)
16. Threw golfballs at the TV
17. Pulled a dozen hairbows apart
18. Squirt out 3 tubes of toothpaste onto the counter, then finger painted on the mirror
19. Cut holes with scissors in 3 different shirts

      So thats about two weeks worth of explorations, experiments, and art projects.

      "Look mommy I've discovered gravity, when I throw oatmeal into the air it comes back down"

      "I drew this picture in permanent marker on your wall so you can have it forever!"

      "Mom, I created a NEW game!  Take all of your decorations off of the shelf,  line them up on the floor, throw some books, and try to knock them over!  Its book bowling!!!"

        Ok, so some of it was just an accident (i.e. hanging on my ironing board and breaking it). But I really don't think most of it was out of ill-intent, just stupidity.  When I had just one baby that would get into things I would tell my mother about it and she would tell me to go buy her more toys, "she doesn't have anything she can play with."  Well mom, whats the excuse now?  Giving my daughter credit, she had very little to do with the list presented above.  90% of it included my 2 year old, and about 75% included my 3 year old, but the baby and my daughter participated in very little of it.
      So yes, I spend my days doing the things you would expect of a mom; dishes, laundry, cooking, and of course I read and play with my kids. But an unfair amount of time is spent calming or fixing the havoc that was wrought on my house by my four little adventurers. But as I scrub, and pick up, and vacuum for the third time during the day, I cant help but think.... what does  Leslie Bess do with her day?

A special moment

Today I had a profound moment. I wouldnt normally share something like this, but I felt prompted to.

I was pondering the state of the world and getting a little depressed. How can I possibly raise righteous sons in this latter-day Soddom and Gommorrah?It really seems like an impossible task! At every twist and turn there is another opportunity to participate in unholy and impure practices! There is toomuch stacked against them!

This is going to sound absolutely terrible, so please dont judge me for it. But at moments like these, I see the mothers who have lost their children and I am just a little bit envious. I realize how this sounds and I know that it is not a justified feeling. I cannot even contemplate their sorrow and greif and I would NEVER ask for this to happen to myself, or anyone! But the thought has honestly crossed my mind: How come their children get free pass? How come those children dont have to remain in this world to be tried and tempted? Their moms will have the oppertunity to raise them in the millenium, in a world devoid of such evil influences. It doesnt seem quite fair.

After feelings of anxiety at the task I have before me over the next 20 years, I asked the Lord for some answers as to why it seems so unfair. The things that my boys are going to have to face seem so monumental, it is too much for them! Then in the sweetest, most tender way, I almost HEARD these words spoken to me.

"Because these are my most valient. They have these huge trials because they have the ability to conquor them! And when they do, they will be prepared. Be faithful. This is their final and greatest test, and I will not leave them alone to fail it."

I cannot even express my feelings right now. I am so so greatful for the gift of the holy gohost, for the knowledge I have of the plan of salvation, and for my wonderful children and their elite little spirits.

Don't Carpe Diem

I just HAVE to share this article, because when I found it I was practicly screaming in my head "yes, yes, YES!"  I hope you enjoy it the way I did: Click here. It perfectly describes my life right now. Just wish I had her talent to write and explain it so well!

or here is a copy (hope this is ok to just copy and paste it)!

Don't Carpe Diem

Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."

At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."
That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here's what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.

 

-Glennon Melton